You know how when you’re contemplating purchasing a
new vehicle, or you’ve just bought that new car and every other car on the road
seems to be that car? Well, that’s akin to the situation my wife and I find
ourselves.
My 94-year-old mother lives with us (she’s currently
in rehab after taking a fall before Christmas). Roughly three years ago, we
entered a fall down/rehab cycle with her. She gets sick, doesn’t tell us she’s not
feeling well, she falls, gets transported to the ER, and enters rehab.
It’s been stressful. Caring for an elder is almost
like having a child with a couple notable exceptions. When your child doesn’t
do what you tell them you can send them to their room. Try doing that with a
recalcitrant elder. Also, most kids will learn which behaviors are acceptable
verses unacceptable. Elders (at least in our case) don’t – they’ve been doing
it (whatever “it” may be) for “this” long; why should they change?
I’ve learned over the past year that our situation
is not unique. I’ve lost count of the number of friends and acquaintances that
are in a similar boat. As we grow older, so do our parents, and there comes a
time when we have to do for them what they once did for us, as our children
will probably have to do for us (Are you listening, boys?).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining; someone
needs to do it and my mother was always there to help us when we needed her, so
I’m happy that we can reciprocate at this stage of her life. What makes me sad
is to witness her regression from good health. It doesn’t seem like the decline
was gradual in comparison to the rest of her life; more like a precipitous drop
off a cliff.
And … I suppose it’s a bit unnerving to realize
there may be a time when I might not be able to care for myself. I can’t
imagine what it must feel like to require help for life’s basic needs like
bathing and bathroom, especially when for nearly 90 years it wasn’t an issue.
But (I’m shrugging), so it goes. I guess it doesn’t
help to dwell on what-might-be.
Its a constant mortality slap in the face, to realize our parents are not invincible nor will they be around forever.
ReplyDeleteYou can, though, take some satisfaction knowing that, because of you and your wife, she was able to stay in her own place for as long as physically possible, and the amount of love and care given by you guys, honors your respect, love and dedication to her. Making the decision to get her into a place that can give her the care that she needs is a painful process to undertake, and it feels like you are abandoning her, but when it comes down to the point of making sure she is safe and getting the care she needs, well its just that next step taking care of her isnt it? Take comfort knowing you have done your very best for her, for as long as you can, but she needs more than you can give, and now you need the help of others in giving her that care that she needs.
So many times people put off paying attention to their parents, disregarding, ignorning, procrastinating, until it is too late, and the shoulda coulda woulda's, regret and guilt feelings kick in, and by then? Its too late and we are stuck living with that in our head and our hearts.
The amount of memories, funny, sad, glad and even the the bad will keep her alive in your heart always! I can only hope that my kids will be caring enough to help me when I am in my golden years and am no longer able to care for myself.
Thank you for your kind words. It’s so true. I didn’t think about my mother’s mortality. I don’t think it’s something any of us wish to think about.
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